Episode 16
Mental Health Reset for Women – Take Back Your Power Today!
The discourse presented in this episode centers on the often unacknowledged emotional burdens shouldered by women, specifically addressing the phenomenon of "invisible labor." Melissa Klass, an EMDR certified therapist, elucidates how women frequently find themselves managing not only their own responsibilities but also anticipating the needs and emotions of those around them. This pervasive emotional management leads to significant mental health challenges, including feelings of burnout and disconnection, which may manifest as irritability and a lack of joy despite outward appearances of productivity. We delve into essential strategies for women to reclaim their identities and establish boundaries that promote emotional well-being, emphasizing the importance of recognizing one's worth beyond mere utility. Ultimately, our conversation aims to empower women to foster healthier relationships with themselves and others by acknowledging and addressing the systemic pressures they navigate daily. The discourse presented within this episode delves into the intricate and often overlooked realm of women's mental health, particularly addressing the concept of 'invisible labor'. Our esteemed guest, Melissa Klass, an EMDR certified therapist, articulates how women frequently bear the psychological burden of managing not only their own emotions but also the emotional climates of those around them. This phenomenon manifests as an overwhelming sense of responsibility that can lead to mental exhaustion, often without the individuals even recognizing the source of their fatigue. Klass elucidates this point by illustrating the multifaceted nature of tasks women undertake, which extend beyond mere completion to include emotional logistics, anticipation of needs, and emotional caregiving. Such insights compel us to reevaluate societal expectations placed upon women, highlighting the urgent need for both recognition and redistribution of these invisible responsibilities. Further, the dialogue ventures into the beliefs women hold about their roles and identities, particularly the misconception that being indispensable equates to being irreplaceable. Klass challenges this notion by asserting that true accountability should not rest solely upon women but should be shared within familial and professional contexts. This segment serves as a poignant reminder that the burden of emotional and logistical labor often leads to feelings of inadequacy and burnout, which are mistakenly attributed to personal failures rather than systemic dysfunctions. The conversation culminates in the assertion that women must cultivate boundaries to safeguard their mental well-being, thereby fostering healthier interpersonal dynamics and enabling them to reclaim their identities beyond societal labels. In the latter part of the episode, we explore practical strategies women can employ to mitigate the risks of burnout and reclaim their sense of self. Klass emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries around availability and the necessity of refraining from being the perpetual reminder system in their relationships. By doing so, women not only relieve themselves of unnecessary burdens but also encourage independence and critical problem-solving among their partners and family members. Ultimately, this episode serves as a clarion call for women to recognize their intrinsic worth beyond societal metrics of productivity and to embrace their right to self-care and personal fulfillment.
Takeaways:
- The concept of emotional management is critical, as it significantly impacts women's mental health.
- Women often carry invisible responsibilities that lead to exhaustion and emotional strain.
- It is essential for women to question their belief in being irreplaceable within their families and workplaces.
- Setting boundaries around constant availability can greatly reduce mental load and prevent burnout.
- The earliest signs of burnout in women often manifest as numbness and irritability, rather than visible collapse.
- Rediscovering one's identity requires a gentle curiosity about personal preferences and desires.
Transcript
Hello, guys.
Speaker A:Welcome back to busyfreemind Channel, a space dedicated to mental health, trauma recovery and personal growth.
Speaker A:Here we explore therapy techniques, emotional wellness, and practical tools to help individuals, couples and families thrive.
Speaker A:Today we are joined by Melissa Klass, an EMDR certified therapist with extensive experience in trauma informed care.
Speaker A:She works with diverse populations and also conducts psychological evaluations for immigration cases.
Speaker A:In addition to her private practice, she provides consultation and supervision to therapists and advocates for diversity, equity and inclusion in mental health.
Speaker A:Hello, Melissa.
Speaker A:How are you today?
Speaker B:Well, thank you.
Speaker B:And thank you for that kind introduction.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker A:And I'm so thrilled today for the session because it's fully about women's mental health.
Speaker A:Before I start my question, just tell us in your words, how did you come into this field?
Speaker B:Oh, I love the work that I do.
Speaker B:You know, I had kind of a.
Speaker B:A long, windy trajectory.
Speaker B:I was a cosmetologist prior to becoming a psychotherapist.
Speaker B:So very different experience.
Speaker B:But still lots of, you know, intimate relationships and personal information.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That people share.
Speaker B:Kind of went from that giving advice sort of space to really that listening and creating space for people kind of space.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So it is a very different sort of work, but I love it and it's evolved over the years.
Speaker B:And I work primarily with like really high functioning executive type women.
Speaker B:Probably your leadership or I'm sorry, not your leadership, but your, your listeners.
Speaker B:So this was a great fit for me.
Speaker B:I was so happy that you asked me to join.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:Awesome.
Speaker A:So my first question for you today is what is the most common invisible responsibility women carry that drains their mental health without them knowing?
Speaker B:Love the word choice.
Speaker B:Invisible.
Speaker B:I think that invisible is the key word here.
Speaker B:And it's emotional management is the answer.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so we hear terms like, you know, mental labor or mental load or invisible labor.
Speaker B:These are all referring to the same thing.
Speaker B:It's that women aren't just doing the things, they are anticipating the needs of everyone.
Speaker B:They're tracking everyone's reaction.
Speaker B:They're trying to prevent disappointment.
Speaker B:It's not just the task that they're doing.
Speaker B:They're holding the entire system in their head.
Speaker B:It's the logistics and the emotions.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So imagine you're cooking dinner, but it's not simply cooking dinner.
Speaker B:It's selecting a recipe, getting to the market, remembering who eats what, checking everybody's mood, making sure you plan dinner at a time that suits everyone so nobody feels overlooked.
Speaker B:And it's all of this that really is exhausting to women.
Speaker B:And I think that women end up Feeling like if I don't manage this, everything will fall apart.
Speaker B:And that may be true at times, but that's information for you.
Speaker B:And I think seamlessness that women can create is kind of an illusion and that seamlessness is hiding the unequal labor that is happening in many people's homes.
Speaker A:What is one belief about herself that every woman should question at least once in her lifetime?
Speaker B:I think that women need to question the belief that being essential makes them irreplaceable.
Speaker B:So I'll explain what I mean.
Speaker B:So I think this shows up at home and this shows up at work, but this over functioning that women do keeps change from happening in any of these systems.
Speaker B:So I see this a lot with high functioning women that think, for example, if they take a day off, that things won't move forward.
Speaker B:But if a woman was to exit that system, leave, step away, it will recalibrate and it will adapt.
Speaker B:So this idea that being essential isn't the same as being irreplaceable, it's that women are irreplaceable as people, as mothers, as partners, as parents, but not as systems.
Speaker B:The over functioning that they do, I think creates the illusion of necessity.
Speaker B:So if your absence causes collapse, that is a system problem, not a you problem.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That means women are taking so much responsibilities, right?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Are we pushing her to take more responsibilities?
Speaker B:Not consciously, but I think unconsciously.
Speaker B:I think there's some societal norming around women taking all of this on.
Speaker B:And I don't even know, you know, we're articulating it very clearly today, but I don't know that many women sit there and think about, I've got to find the recipe and shop it on and on.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:They just make dinner.
Speaker B:But all of this is invisible, right?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Agree.
Speaker A:So what is one boundary every woman should set, no matter her age or background?
Speaker B:I think women need to consider setting a boundary around their constant availability.
Speaker B:I think when you respond to everyone in your life immediately, your colleague, your partner, you train people not to think for themselves and not to problem solve.
Speaker B:So quietly you're telling them that you will carry the mental and emotional load of the things that are going on that keeps the responsibility stuck with you.
Speaker B:So the constant availability that you allow trains other people's dependence.
Speaker B:So if you get a work email at 10pm, answer it the next morning.
Speaker B:If your partner texts you to ask if the Claritin is in the Claritin box.
Speaker B:And yes, this is a real example from a session of mine.
Speaker B:Maybe give it a minute, maybe let him look himself because he probably will locate that Claritin.
Speaker B:So I think if you delay response without explanation, it encourages the people in your life to step up a bit.
Speaker B:And I think women need to remember that other people's situations and other people's feelings are not their emergency.
Speaker B:And they don't have to make it their emergency.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:We have to make the resource scarce, right?
Speaker B:A little bit.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Because if we save so fast, we.
Speaker B:Don'T give people space to figure it out on their own.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Very true.
Speaker A:Very true.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So what is the earliest sign of burnout in women that often gets mistaken for just being tired?
Speaker B:I think the earliest signs of burnout, honestly, are numbness and irritability.
Speaker B:So most women are still getting all the things done.
Speaker B:They're still functioning probably at a very high level, but there's no joy anymore.
Speaker B:There's no presence.
Speaker B:There tends to be more reactivity.
Speaker B:And I think disconnection is created from all of this, and that starts to show up in their relationships.
Speaker B:So they're looking real shiny on the outside and everything's getting done, but they're not really feeling satisfied with their lives anymore.
Speaker B:And I think we can mistake.
Speaker B:You know, you can still be functioning and burning out simultaneously.
Speaker B:I think many, many women are.
Speaker B:But burnout doesn't really look like collapse as much as it looks like disconnection.
Speaker A:Correct.
Speaker A:Do you think encouragement would help women at that point to feel good or feel satisfied?
Speaker B:Recognition.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Recognition for what she does.
Speaker B:That's a great question.
Speaker B:I think it can help in moments.
Speaker B:But I think the burnout experience is so systemic that a little bit of recognition here and there is probably not going to dig a woman out of that pit.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So what simple boundary can help that reduce mental load and prevent burnout in a busy woman's life?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:I think one of the simplest boundaries that women can set is to stop being the reminder system.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Is that shared responsibility can't exist alongside silent supervision.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So when we repeatedly remind we are doing all of the mental and emotional labor for someone else, you know, one reminder, one ask.
Speaker B:That's generous.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:We can do that.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:That's nice to do for people in our lives.
Speaker B:But the repetition is exhausting.
Speaker B:And if you don't repeat, you can then transfer ownership, and the system can then have a chance to rebalance.
Speaker B:You know, you tell your partner, right, don't forget about your doctor's appointment on Friday, and that's it.
Speaker B:And then you step back because you can let the adults in your life experience adult consequences.
Speaker A:They'll be fine.
Speaker A:True, Very true.
Speaker A:And how can women rebuild her identity after years of seeing herself only as a wife, mother, daughter, or caregiver?
Speaker B:Such a tough question, right?
Speaker B:I mean, I think many women do lose touch with themselves and identity really comes back through choice and not pressure.
Speaker B:So I encourage women to start really small.
Speaker B:Start with preference over passion.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I think the idea of, like, rediscover your passion feels like so much pressure when you're already strained and exhausted.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Tap into those little things, little preferences.
Speaker B:You know, what do I want for breakfast or do I need 10 minutes of quiet time to myself before I go pick the kids up from school?
Speaker B:Because I think we need to slow down and allow this to unfold over time and really just be curious.
Speaker B:I think that it's that curiosity about those little things that can allow women to come back to themselves.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:But with so much stress, women just tend to forget her passion and curiosity with what she liked before.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:She just have to rediscover herself later in life.
Speaker B:I think that's true.
Speaker B:I do.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I've been there.
Speaker A:So it's like, what did you like before?
Speaker A:What was that?
Speaker A:You know, what is the first step for a woman who wants to stop comparing herself to others and focus on her own path?
Speaker B:I think this is an interesting one.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because I think that many women fall into this, especially when we're stretched thin, we start to compare.
Speaker B:And I will say that I experience comparison as information because comparison often shows us what we're desiring but that we're lacking.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:What wants and needs are missing in our lives.
Speaker B:And I think social media is a space where everybody gets sucked into this comparison trap.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And it, it really amplifies our unmet needs, I think, is what is happening.
Speaker B:And so if we can be curious about that and wonder, what are we wanting, what are we missing, what are we desiring when we're doing this comparison?
Speaker B:It can be kind of useful, I think, in that way.
Speaker B:And, you know, comparing itself isn't the problem, but if we ignore what it's pointing to, that is a problem, Right?
Speaker A:Correct.
Speaker A:I don't know whether I can say this aloud because, you know, we always thought that comparison is bad.
Speaker A:You shouldn't compare with yourself, with others, you're always unique, blah, blah.
Speaker A:But sometimes comparison does help.
Speaker A:It will push us to rediscover and work more.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Potentially, yes.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:When a woman feels, I don't even know who I am anymore, how can she start rediscovering herself outside of marriage?
Speaker A:Motherhood or expectations.
Speaker B:I think when a woman says, I don't know who I am anymore, they need to tap into that.
Speaker B:That is not a failure.
Speaker B:That is just information.
Speaker B:And I don't think that most women have entirely lost themselves.
Speaker B:I think that they're just so busy managing everyone else that they start to feel really kind of disoriented after these long periods of over functioning.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so this identity is going to come back slowly.
Speaker B:It's going to come back not all at once.
Speaker B:We need to be gentle and pace ourselves and be curious.
Speaker B:Because coming back to yourself really is something that I think people experience moment by moment.
Speaker B:Not in a big windfall, you know.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:But I have seen cases that once women rediscover herself, she always fall into this guilty thing.
Speaker A:You know, my God, I was completely focused on my family before, now I am focusing on my career.
Speaker A:She is in a kind of guilt that am I not doing my responsibilities well or not?
Speaker A:So what do you want to tell those women who are thinking like that?
Speaker B:Well, that guilt.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I think when you're so used to over functioning in these various ways.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And then you take back some of your time and prioritize yourself.
Speaker B:I do think that guilt is common.
Speaker B:And I think that the truth is all of these various relationships and systems will shift and recalibrate as she takes more time for herself and has different boundaries that are set.
Speaker B:And you cannot take care of other people if you're not taking care of yourself.
Speaker B:So if what taking care of yourself means is putting more focus on your career, you are going to be a better mom and a better partner and a better friend.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But that's important.
Speaker B:You take care of you first.
Speaker A:What happens to a woman's mental health when she becomes the relationship manager?
Speaker A:And how can couples share that responsibility more equally?
Speaker B:Well, this is a good one.
Speaker B:So I think women's mental health, and frankly their relationships erode when they become the relationship manager.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You know, relationships require shared responsibility, not sacrifice.
Speaker B:So I think that when the women track connection and they track the conflict and they track the repair, they get resentful.
Speaker B:They feel lonely in the relationship.
Speaker B:This can also lead to burnout.
Speaker B:And so I really step one in helping shift this dynamic is to make the labor visible.
Speaker B:And it can be tricky.
Speaker B:I have a really concrete example and I know this might be challenging for some people because it's so straightforward, but I had a client share with me recently that she had a recent conflict with her male partner.
Speaker B:And once it finished, she sort of named the fact that they Rarely have conflict.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Typically, things are very peaceful.
Speaker B:And she acknowledged and said out loud to him, the reason we had conflict today is because I did all of the emotional labor in advance of every other discussion we've had today.
Speaker B:I did not do that.
Speaker B:And now we fight.
Speaker B:I need you to do better and I need you to take on some of that labor with me.
Speaker B:This is very clear, right?
Speaker A:This is very specifically clear.
Speaker B:And we might not all get to do something that overt all the time, but that's the idea, right?
Speaker A:Is to name that.
Speaker B:And that shared responsibility can then replace resentment, which is going to build otherwise.
Speaker A:True, Very true.
Speaker A:If you could redefine a woman's worth for the next generation, what would you include and what expectation would you like to remove?
Speaker B:Shobana.
Speaker B:Let's do it.
Speaker B:Oh, man.
Speaker B:We could redefine women's worth for the next generation.
Speaker B:Honestly, I'd want to fundamentally shift what we value.
Speaker B:I think that a woman's worth is not measured by her usefulness.
Speaker B:So I would want to include things like rest, self trust, boundaries, curiosity, self attunement.
Speaker B:I would absolutely want to remove endless accommodation, constant access to ourselves, earning our worth through the output that we provide.
Speaker B:Like these all have to go.
Speaker B:You know, I think that a woman's worth should never be measured by how little space she takes up.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And I think that's where we're finding ourselves now.
Speaker B:And so I'd love to remove that for future women, future generations of women, I should say.
Speaker B:Yay.
Speaker A:I love that answer.
Speaker A:Thank you so much, Melissa.
Speaker A:You know, people often think that if I'm going to go and see therapist, they always think that we need to have some problem.
Speaker A:And sometimes they don't understand whether they are tired or really they are having problem to go and see the therapist.
Speaker A:And that's why I started this channel.
Speaker A:I want to talk a common problem and there are support from therapists where they can encourage you, where they can clear your doubts and it will be like a push factor in your life.
Speaker A:Even though it is not a bigger problem, there might be a push factor in your life to rediscover yourself.
Speaker A:And I, I'm really thankful for all the psychotherapists and EMDR therapists.
Speaker A:Thank you for your answers, Melissa, and for sharing your time, knowledge and insights with us today.
Speaker A:It was truly a meaningful conversation and we are grateful for everything you brought to this episode and to our viewers and listeners, if this episode resonated with you, please like share and subscribe to Busy Free Mind Channel for more thoughtful conversations like this.
Speaker A:Take care of yourself and I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Bye.
Speaker A:Bye.
